Light, life, continuing.

Here I am.

I am a 31 year old mama, queer, Christian, feminist, greenie, studying to be a social worker. Our little Wind-horse* is eleven months old this week. Her other mama is the wonderful L. I am so blessed to share my life with these two amazing people.

I love writing, reading, print-making, gardening, walking in forests and on beaches. I don’t seem to find a lot of time to do  these things. I have created this blog to motivate me to do a little more writing at least.**

For about 13 years, I struggled through a stormy winter. I experienced crippling emotional distress, which cut through every aspect of my being. When I look back on that time I feel that I missed out on part of my life. I was not fully present in the world. It was hard for me to learn, hard to hold on to friendships, hard to notice what was going on around me.

Most of the distress was caused by bipolar, but sexual abuse and fundamentalist Christianity played a role. Just over 6 years ago things began to change. After a change of medication I started to feel myself again, free from the torment of bipolar. Art therapy helped me to let go of some of the other pain. Then, love came, “like a sudden flight of birds / from earth to heaven after rain.” L’s love and support helped me to start to grow again.

Light has returned to the world. New things are unfolding.

When I was thinking about a name for this blog, I thought of the kotukutuku, or tree fuschia. It is one of the few deciduous trees in Aotearoa. In the cold days and dark nights of winter the kotukutuku shuts down for a while. It goes into survival mode. Then, spring comes.  New leaves grow and flowers bloom in beautiful shades of green, pink and purple. As a child I thought they looked like fairies dancing.

Looking back, sometimes I can’t believe I survived those years. Somehow, the impulse to live kept winning.

So, here I am,
it is spring.***

* She got the nickname because before she was born she seemed to react enthusiastically to the music of Mongolian group Anda Union, and because we thought her heartbeat sounded like a horse galloping.

** Speaking of writing, my colon/semicolon key isn’t working. I hope this will be resolved.

*** Not literally though. It is cold and dark and even my possum fur slippers are not quite keeping my feet warm.